If Ignorance Was Bliss
by BMRH
Summary: "How can anyone ever say that they are happy when they have all those things left in their minds? At least I'm honest. I can never be happy." A short season 4 drabble about John Watson and his inner demons.


**AUTHOR'S FIRST NOTE**  
So... I have written a fic in two days. Even though it is really short, that is by miles a new record! This is a short season 4 drabble about John and the struggle he is having with himself. I actually cried when writing this because I have written so many fics from John's POV and gotten into his mind so many times that I feel so much with him, even though it doesn't justify what he did.  
Anyway, enjoy this little text!

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 **IF IGNORANCE WAS _BLISS_**

Sometimes I hear people say that they are _happy_.

I say nothing, but like with everything else, they all lie. People go through things in life, some more than others, and whatever they might say we never forget the pain we have felt. We never do. Deep down, it will always be there. Every heartbreak, from the first time you got dumped by your middle school sweetheart to the moment you throw a flower onto the coffin that belongs to your mother.

It doesn't end there. There are also the things _you_ have done, the guilt and pain over the people you have hurt and betrayed during your lifetime. It never goes away. Trust me, it never does and it keeps tearing you apart. How can anyone ever say that they are _happy_ when they have all those things left in their minds? At least I'm honest. I can never be _happy_.

I have thought many times about how great it would feel to just forget. To forget _everything_. I would quite gladly have had a needle put into my arm with some of that TD12. " _Bliss_ " he called it, Smith. _Bliss_. _Bliss_ of being able to forget the pain of what the people I love and have loved have done to me and what I have done to them in return. So much pain. And anger. And loss. And remorse. And _grief_. Yes, what if we could just take it all away? Erase _everything_. No memories. Nothing. _Bliss_ is ignorance and ignorance is _bliss_.

Ignorance. Nothing. No memories.  
Is it really _bliss_ to be able to forget? If ignorance is _bliss_ , ignorance always comes with a price. And the more I think about it, _bliss_ isn't ignorance, to have no memories at all. No. Whatever I might say, even how painful my life has been, I know I do know what _bliss_ really is. _Bliss_ was the feeling of excitement when my new flat mate asked if I wanted to "see some more" and I ran after him over the rooftops of London, the adrenaline pumping furiously in my veins. _Bliss_ was the absurdity of sitting with him on a couch, as he was dressed only in his bed sheet at Buckingham Palace, while we laughed at his brother. _Bliss_ was the first time I kissed the woman who became my wife. _Bliss_ was when my best man played our wedding waltz on his violin as we danced to it. _Bliss_ was when I held my daughter for the first time.

And I think it is some kind of _bliss_ that I feel when we eat birthday cake at a bakery in central London. When I watch my old landlady, who has become something of a mother to us all, laughing and turning to the pathologist at St Bart's, who became my friend and a family member and has always helped us, as she handles my baby daughter to the maniac who is my former flatmate, my _very_ best friend, the best man I will ever know, who never hesitated to go through his own personal hell to save me from my own, and he smiles and gently places her in his lap, genuinely trying his very best to be what no one ever thought he could be:

Human.

Maybe it isn't _bliss_? Should I really be able to feel _bliss_? Whatever it is, at least it is not _grief_. And that is just as good to me.

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 **AUTHOR'S FINAL NOTE**  
"The Lying Detective" was quite amazing, wasn't it? I have already watched it four times whereas I have watched "The Six Thatchers" only once. I was disappointed with that episode but then came this one and I'm so relieved because I felt the same rush of excitement I felt the first time I watched "A Scandal in Belgravia" and "The Reichenbach Fall". I had almost given up hope that I would ever feel that way again.  
Anyway, let me know what you thought about this short piece of work! Also, I want to tell you all, if tomorrow's episode is the last one ever... "It is what it is" and remember: THE GAME IS NEVER OVER. Let us hashtag that: #thegameisneverover

Over and out!  
/ BMRH


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